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We Do Not Harbor Serial Killers

by Robert Lampini
Gazette Reporter

Dear Readers:
We at the Gazette have never, contrary to Herald reports, harbored serial killers.
The Gazette exists to inform and protect (by informing), not to profit from others' suffering.
Yes, we did enjoy a boost in sales while all the serial-killing was rampant.
So did the Herald.
And, yes, we did run ads for Crazy Eddie's Carpet Emporium, which, it turns out, was owned by the now deceased Edward "Scranton Slasher" Wilson.
So did the Herald.
For them to state we supressed evidence or leads to sell more papers is ridiculous.
We would never cover for that asshole.
The Herald the went on to point out that two of the Scranton Stranglers's victims were found within three blocks of the Gazette.
So now you want to write about the Strangler?
Last year you couldn't be bothered to waste the ink, but now he's newsworthy?
We only printed the Strangler's letter because the Slasher was getting cocky- you know, a little something called the fairness docterine.
And so what if some of his victims were found near the Gazette press- does geographic proximity really imply complicity, or even guilt?
We even lost one of our employees, Tim Zachery, to the Scranton Strangler.
It was a terrible loss, even if Tim wasn't very likeable.
Do you think we would protect the still-at-large Scranton Strangler, just so he could kill again later, when he wouldn't be compared to the Slasher, and we could sell more papers and avoid losing our jobs?
Of course not.
And here's a though, Herald-
If we are harboring a serial killer, do you really want to keep pissing us off?